“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living”
(Don’t get caught like a deer in the headlights)
Since the time of each post isn’t published I will add it is currently about 5.30am and I am about to get on the train to St Pancras, where I will be jumping onto the Eurostar and leaving for Paris for a week. If you were wondering then yes, you should be very very jealous!
Even better I’m off with two of not only my closest friends but two of my favourite bloggers, so I thought it would only be fair to let you all know what’s been going on.
I think the best way to get through all this is to go step by step so here goes!
This blog has documented the last two years of my life which are next to nothing in the grand scheme of things but just like everyone else I’m in my own little world. The last two years have been A levels, and from these I have learnt that school is stressful. It doesn’t go away, it screws with your priorities and yes sixth form does try very hard to shoe-horn you into ‘uni’. If it wasn’t for one of the loveliest, kindest and most genuine art teachers I would have never even thought of going to Art School and I would be preparing for embarking on a Literature degree right now. Yes, University has many good points but for those looking at a more creative route sixth form doesn’t exactly help.
Just like everyone at my age and to be honest, everyone at some point in their life, I have come to realise friends aren’t always friends. We build relationships with people because they live in the same town as us, are the same age, go to the same school or have the same hobbies. As much as I have some truly wonderful friends in my life, people who I will never forget, people who have made a huge impact on my life, not everyone is a friend. People are by nature all out for themselves, and something I’ve come to realise pretty quick is if someone isn’t playing the attention card, the victim card or the superiority card they’re probably playing you better than you think. It’s a harsh reality that people can so easily hurt you and not care, they can be so self-absorbed in their own ‘problems’ they forget they can quite literally tear another person apart, and not even say sorry. But not everyone is like this, people are good, it just takes the right person to bring that out, and you won’t always be the right person.
It can be so easy to see yourself as a benevolent being, a saviour and a good friend but that is not going to be true, sorry. However, you can try, and part of this is accepting not everyone is going to try as much as you do. People will believe what they want and they won’t put in all the effort that you do. As much as this is truly annoying it is unavoidable and the only way to deal with it is to accept it and keep trying, if you’re trying then you’re already ahead.
Unsurprisingly things do get hard, I know people who suffer huge depression, and others who suffer ‘depression’. Yes, there is a difference. But it’s important to remember that everyone has bad days, everyone gets low and everyone at some point is suffering. You do not have to be depressed to be sad, and from what I have seen of a few people I’ve come across in my life you don’t have to be depressed to self harm. I have no specialist knowledge of this topic but it is something that is close to my heart as I’ve seen people close to me deal and still now continue to deal with it. The only issue here is that things do get hard and yes they will be hard, but I am an eternal optimist, I am hugely aware of the fact that I am allowing ignorance to be bliss, and I don’t care. If I have to live life a little ignorantly and cluelessly to be happy, then that is exactly what I plan to do.
I am exceptionally lucky, I have grown up in a home with a Mum, a Dad and a Brother. I was given attention when little and despite having my fair share of family drama I have been blessed. So (remaining optimistic) the ‘Past’ is the past, and with all this change so close it’s time to move on.
The Depressing Giving Up Post
So after my “Life Update” post which was not like me at all I have concluded that motivation is hard. It’s difficult to motivate yourself, to find a spark of inspiration and its tough to believe in your own ideas when it seems everyone around you is dragging you down. It is very easy to just sink a little, feel sorry for yourself and wallow in self-pity and that’s exactly what I did, funnily enough I did it for about two months.
With my likes and hits dropping I was driven to ask : How do you know if a blog is worth it? I find this blog a high source of inspiration and it is the interactional aspect that drives me most. Art focuses wholly around the reaction of the viewer, the audience, and with a lack of that I was unbelievably unmotivated. Being an artist means you become so reliant on others opinions that your own become clouded, modesty and pride jump in and then you’re screwed, so I’ve come to realise art is subjective but it is also personal and it needs to reflect the person creating it.
Art is so influenced by mood, Van Gogh painted exclusively in blue when depressed. So, it is vital as an artist to present the version of you that you want to be seen by others, art can, yes, be a reflection of yourself but it can also be a reflection of who you want to be and who you want to be seen as. We all have bad days, but if you don’t want to be the ‘depressed artist’ you have to paint as the version of you that’s all smiles, the version that wipes away tears flushes their face with cold water and coats on a few layers of foundation ready to smile.
So, with all that covered on to the fun bit! It was time for change. Two years on it is really time to mix things up a bit. I have decided to change the format, the tone and the message. I want to present a more ‘together’ appearance, because if I can organise my blog maybe I can organise my life!
As I have discussed art should reflect the artist, and a blog should reflect the blogger. So, as I change so should my blog, and I would like to think that despite not having a plan and not knowing myself at all right now, I am much more organised and much more driven to succeed. This blog is the only representation of me, the only thing that can document my journey and reflect what I am, so it must be mine.
All the pages have been changed, just like all of me has changed, and I hope you like it.
Now for the best bit, I was lucky enough to get an unconditional offer. I joke how art is easy, how anyone can do it. It isn’t though, there’s no textbook, art is really bloody hard. What’s worse is being an ‘Artist’ comes with the dreaded Hipster Enigma, the ‘alternative’ lifestyle, ironically I’m the most mainstream person I know. Anyway, I digress, Art is tough, its hard and it is NOT a doss subject, I worked hard for my offer. There were sleepless nights, stress, pain and yes I did get my own arm stuck in alginate when casting during my exam. I worked hard, and as much as I am modest, I know in myself that I deserved that offer.
Now it’s mine, this is my chance. Everyone is choosing their paths and I have mine rolled out in front of me, my very own yellow brick road. Ironically, according to one of the single most important people in my life I would probably be the Tin Man. But most importantly I have decided that I need to take every chance I get, I never joined loads of clubs or did loads of extra curriculum activities and I think this had limited me. So this year I am aiming to be as involved as possible, to take chances and to step out of my comfort zone.
I feel like over my time in sixth form I have changed dramatically, I’m more confident and more self-assured but in my mind I’m only half way there and hopefully with my start fresh right around the corner I’m close to change. There are still insecurities I need to hush and aspects of my personality I want to tweak but hopefully I’m close.
Another wonderful thing about Art School is I will finally have the “right kind of people” around me. Not saying that the people around me are “wrong” but they are not quite right for me. I often feel dragged down and having different interests means if I want to spend time with people I sometimes have to follow their interests and sacrifice mine. I am looking forward to finding like-minded people, people that will motivate and inspire me. If not, I will go out and find some inspiration for myself.
Everything is open, things are changing. So I have decided to be selfish and will use this time to be where I want. I will work to be the version of myself I want to be and I will be the person I want to be. People often say they aren’t happy and instead of trying to fix it continue to be unhappy, I don’t think they deserve happiness. If you don’t want to work hard to be happy you never will be. Of course happiness isn’t the goal, it’s just a mood that comes and goes, and since its ever so annoying like that I am choosing to grab happiness and not let it go. Life is too short to be sad.
The eternal optimist shall prevail.
Here we mark the end of the post I suppose, and this is the last thing I have to say. This blog is my most valuable possession, it documents my work, it demonstrates who I am and it reflects the person I want to be. I hope that for some of my readers it is a form of inspiration, or just something that makes you smile. This blog has driven me to work, to explore new things, to help others more and to push myself in every way.
I have a wonderful 3,000-odd followers and without the support and likes and subscribers I wouldn’t have a clue, I wouldn’t know whats good whats bad whats average, and I am unbelievably thankful for every single blogger who has linked up with me and followed or commented, it means everything. It is often argued that the internet offers us a false sense of security, that ‘likes’ and ‘subscribers’ are just a number set to give us something to hold onto to drive self belief, but without the internet I would not know half of what I know, and it really does prove that when done right, the internet is a beautiful place to build a name for yourself, I mean, type my name in to google, this blog will be the first thing to come up.
Finally, this blog is why I’m going to Art School, it is the very reason that I am following something I am passionate about and it is the reason that I feel just a little bit special,
whoever you are that’s reading this,
thank you for that.
I think that’s just about everything, I know this was an exceptionally long post but I hope this covers everything.
Change is good. It might break you, or hurt you. It will, however, remind you that the world doesn’t revolve around you and adapting is a part of growing up. Things do get better, as long as you make them. So make them, it’s your life.
Take a second today to say thank you, or help someone, or just make someone smile. Kindness may not mean as much as it used to, but,
it will remind you we are all capable of kindness,
we are all capable of change.
I hope you like the changes!